4 Blokes 1 Blog

Pokes head into 4 Blokes 1 Blog

2010-08-24T23:19:00.002+01:00

...

You're still here? It's over!

....

Go home!*

Brenda update: spent the past year bouncing from pub job to pub job, barely earning enough to pay rent. Then the following happened:

Dad comes home and says I can get 6 weeks temp work at the Oxford University, no pay but good experience in an office environment
One week before job starts: 'Oh by the way, you'll be getting paid but probably only £5 an hour or so'
First day of job: New boss: 'Right, you're on pay grade 4.1, that means £13 an hour'
After first week: 'Oh by the way we're going to put you on a 6 month contract'

Goes to show it's not what you know, it's who you know. Maybe who you suck too.

Peace bitches, I'm going to go drink cocktails on sunny beaches during business trips**

- Brenda

*10 points if you get the movie reference

**Sit behind a desk 9-5 and smash my face into the keyboard to see what phrases come out

The end of time

2010-07-13T13:23:00.002+01:00

So here's to the end of another year, and my God what a year it has been. Apart from whatever jobs or studying we claim to do in our free time, we've actually accomplished a fair amount. Besides breaking the land-speed record for a battery powered car (Charles 1) and constructing a raft that clearly would have floated us to safety in the likely event of the apocolypse, we managed to fit in a lot of kart. Oh we cycled round the Isle of Wight, but you wouldn't know about that becuase George STILL HASN'T WRITTEN UP HIS DAY. But I don't think 'a lot' of kart does it justice. Here are some stats to try to get across the extent to which we played that game:

Closing scores:

Luge - 32 (1 tech.) - 21%

Oli - 115 - 77%

Gay - 3 (14/9, 24/1, 26/2) - 2%

That makes:

150 championships.

~ 2400 races.

~ 6 days 6 hours of straight kart. That's nearly a straight week.

and God knows how many laps. I definitely did 2, Luge probably about 4, Gay... I don't even dare guess!

Closing targets:

Luge - 3

Oli - 4

Gay - 2

Bearing in mind they fluctuated by roughly 1 in each direction throughout the year.

Oh and I just noticed that I never failed to reach my target of 4. Both my laps were when my target was 5, and on both occasions I scored 3. Odd.

And somehow despite all that, we managed to spend a substantial amount of time in the Gordon's, and even occasionally went out to this place called Jesters. Whoever would have thought.

So just to top the year off, we thought we'd have a killer house party. After brewing our own beer, then drinking it all before the party, we decided toget some booze in. A trip to the cash and carry and the local brewery later, we came to realise we'd way, way overbought. Not to worry, as it's actually sitting next to me right now. All 50 cans of it. Anyway, the party was great, but due to a few early leavers, we decided to take the party to Jesters. Then, according to my memory, nothing happened until we'd left Jesters and decided to pay the Death Swing on our way home. Big mistake. After turfing some randoms off our swing, we dicked about, searched for Luke's phone, and generally made a hash of standing. However, no one as much so as George. In one ambitious gymnastic movement, he managed to backflip off the Death Swing and land on his feet. Unfortunately in doing so, a dodgy landing had left him sobbing in agony while the rest of us laughed and called him a big girl.

A few piggy-backs later we were home, and even after an hour of playing Luke's 'gayer or straighter' card game, George's ankle was still swolen and still causing him agony. I made the executive decision of sending him to bed, and we all hit the sack. Somehow, Luke made his bath run the following morning, after about 3 hours sleep, but on his arrival home was confronted by a demand to be taken to A and E. It soon transpired George had broken two bones in his ankle and would need surgery. Balls.

Not the way we'd planned to end the year, but hey that's life. We'd had it coming all year, well at least George had.

Good work, it's been an incredible year.

Cycling the Isle of Wight - Day 3

2010-05-20T23:45:00.001+01:00

We awoke for the final time on this trip, apprehensive of the day ahead. We packed up all our equipment, although laziness had started to take it toll. Folding things to a size where they could fit into the rucksacks had become far too much effort so most thing found them selves either tied to the outside or strapped on with bungee cords. Our legs feeling pretty stiff and we were fear full that last night's hideously under cooked sausages may make life even harder.
Luckily however, our fears were not realised and as soon as we had gotten under way our legs limbered up and in no time at all we were flying along. We maintained this great pace with a high level of determination…. for about 20 minutes, before we decided that we needed a cup of tea.
So, in the lovely costal town of Yarmouth we set out to look for a tea room. I don't know what the owner thought when three raggedy, sweaty, unkempt, and definitely smelly youths turned up at his pristine and neatly kept tea room, but he could defiantly tell that we were in dire need of some tea as he welcomed us in.

Pumped, charged, and loaded with tea, we set off again. Down deceptively tranquil leafy lanes, we rode three abreast heading straight towards the Danger Zone.
In reality, we didn't see much evidence of a Danger Zone except for a sign that said "next left for the Danger Area" but this didn't put a stop to our marathon of Top Gun quotes.
Having all made it past the danger zone without inadvertently finding ourselves in a 4G inverted dive with a MiG 28, we decided to find a pub and stop for lunch.

After lunch, we headed due South-East through lush country side towards Carisbrooke Castle. Brimming with energy and enthusiasm we were not perturbed, even by the fact that the castle was on top of a rather steep hill, although bugger cycling up. So we ditched the bikes in a car park and set off on foot.
Venturing through fords, vaulting stiles, and crossing moats we made our way to the entrance of the castle still unperturbed. Until we found that it cost about £15 to get in, so we took some photos of the out side, and buggered off again.

We were now on the home straight, all we had to do was get to the centre of Newport, find the cycle path and stay on it all the way to Cowes. We got to the centre of Newport ok, however, we though it would be a much better idea to, instead of finding the cycle path, cycle round the park area for a bit asking people for directions who obviously didn't have a clue themselves. Eventually though, we got there. The cycle path was every thing we needed: flat, straight, but most importantly, had pubs at the end.

With plenty of time to kill before the ferry back to the main land, we carefully calculated what time we needed to head off at, locked up the bikes and got ourselves settled…. however… perhaps too settled. A generic amount of pints later, we went and got ourselves some fish and chips and then made our way to port. Before getting to the port we had to cross the chain ferry to get to the other side of Cowes, this is where our calculations fell down. We miss timed it and got to the chain ferry while it was dicking about on the other side of the river. Our time to departure was ticking away and still we could see no movement from the chain ferry. Eventually though, it started heading in our direction, and came to pick us up.
Time was of the essence, this had to be a slick operation, and there was no margin for error.
We were poised are ready, the second the chain ferry docked we would be off. The only thing we had over looked was our monumental ability to fail.
Firstly, on exiting the chain ferry the bag of fish and chips fell off Georges handle bars and he promptly rectified the situation by running them over shortly followed by him throwing his bike to the ground.
Secondly, as Oli zoomed past he unknowingly jettisoned his wallet but there was no need to worry as I was on hand to pick it up. I drunkenly reached down to pick it up, but the slippery little git was too clever for my dulled wits and I dropped it again, spraying Oli's bank cards and the ferry tickets all over the road.
Some how, we made it to the ferry port, flustered, drunk, and clearly panicked, we threw our tickets at the poor lady in the booth and raced to the boat, getting there just in the nick of time.
Once safely on the boat we found a sheltered spot on deck and had our fish and chips. Venturing out into the gale force winds only cos we were drunk and we thought it would be funny.
All that was left now was to cycle up through Southampton, get to our house, turn the key, and settle down with some Kart.
The perfect end to a phenomenal trip.

In loving memory:
of my old friend who was cruelly and prematurely taken from us.
My bike, who many a time helped me back from the pub when it was too far too walk, and only occasionally decided to throw me off into a hedge or discard it's chain while I was too drunk to put it back on.
It got me to bath runs at 6:30 in the morning, when I had been plastered the night before and was probably still too drunk to drive.
Got me all the way up to college, then to a brewery on the other side Winchester, and back home, and even had time to pick up dinner half way round.
Only some of the gears worked, and the ones that did took a few attempts to get into. The brakes squeaked horrifically, except when they were wet, and then they simply didn't work at all. The handle bars steadily work their way up until they eventually fall off. YET, despite all of this, it was still the best bike a man could own I'm glad I got to share this epic trip with it.
Many thanks old friend for all the times you gave me, your presents will be sorely missed.

My Bike 1994-2010

HALT, I AM LIBTOR

2010-05-08T23:57:00.002+01:00

I hate politics

I hate the broken system in which the conservatives get a disproportionate amount of seats in parliament, where the lib dems don't. I'm trying to care less, but it's difficult. Maybe I should move to Canada or something.

So hey, nobody has blogged since late Feb. AND THAT WAS ME. You shits. Maybe our lives are just so mundane and boring that they're not worth blogging about.

Also, I'm only blogging right now because I'm drunk.

ALSO I just got a £25 speeding ticket for not wearing my seatbelt. Epic bullshittery.

Ugh.

I'm going to bed.

Cycling the Isle of Wight - Day 1

2010-04-08T18:57:00.006+01:00

Up at 9 and ready to leave by 11, George and I were raring to go. We'd made the sandwiches, the sun was shining and the trip was set to be nothing short of incredible. Just as we picked our bags up to test ride around the block, Luke appeared on his way down the road. Despite his hangover from the Jonathon Creek drinking game, he was ready quickly and we left in about 15 minutes. The cycle ride to the ferry was pretty easy, and we took the first of many scenic detours in the wrong direction. Luckily, I had my compass on my bike, although it was refusing to point anything other than north.

We arrived at the ferry terminal in good time and were the first ones aboard, shortly joined by two other cyclists. Instantly dumping the bikes we made our way straight to the bar for the first (and possibly the priciest) pint of the trip. One hour, some sandwiches, and some chav entertainment later, we were the first off the ferry. As we cycled out of Cowes we were greeted almost instantly by quite a few hills. Halfway up one we passed the girl who had caught the ferry with her old man with her bike upside down, and a few minutes later her dad who hadn't bothered to go back for her. They must have been playing by Top Gear rules.

We soon turned off the main road towards a town called Fishbourne, stopping off at a garden Bazaar to pick see if we could pick up a mug. Luke, being the spanner that he is had forgotten his. After a bit of searching we found a pretty, floral tin mug to do just the job. At 50p, this was on offer he just couldn't refuse. We told the old ladies where we were heading and they strongly advised we visit an Abbey just up the lane. Unconvinced, we set off down a muddy cycle path instantly forgetting their advice. Barely a minute later we turned a corner and a huge Abbey appeared in front of us, so impressive there was just no way we could cycle past without taking a look. We took a peek inside, just about managing to stop Luke stealing a pencil Monkey Island style; simply because it was there. After a very civilised cream tea, we were back on our way.

The next area of interest on our itinerary was a vineyard spotted on a leaflet while we were on the ferry. We headed in what we thought was the right direction until we admitted defeat, stopped and checked the iGay. Looking up from the route, we saw a 50-foot spoon-like construction sticking straight out of the field next to us and bending in the wind. After a bit of guessing, we concluded that there could be no possible use for such a giant spoon and got back on our way.

Reaching the vineyard, we were glad to drop our bikes and bags and take a rest. We headed into the shop and quickly learnt they were doing free wine, mead and liqueur tasting. Many shots later, our light-headedness had lead us to the decision to buy a bottle of mead which we stashed and moved on.

Past Ryde, we decided to cut the Eastern most corner of Bembridge, and head south towards Sandown. However, little did we realise this would involve cycling across some of the steepest hills the Isle had to offer. On the route we encountered the toughest cycling of the trip, even though it was all on-road, but somehow managed to overcome it. Finally reaching a sign saying 'Welcome to Sandown', we were knackered and headed for the first signposted campsite. Despite being marked on our OS map as a camping and caravan park, it was closed for tents as it was out of season :(

At this point morale was low. We grabbed some food from the closest shop and had a brainstorm session. After a lot of phone calls and swearing, we'd found a farm that would have us, only problem was that it was a few kilometres down the road. With a last push of strength we made it to the farm at about 6pm, thankful that we could pack it in for the day. As we rode through the front gate, we were greeted by possibly the second largest collection of garden gnomes and disco balls we'd ever seen. These Isle of Wight folk were strange, strange people. Luke went off to sort out our arrangements with the farm owner while George and I pitched the tent. Only thing was, half an hour later, Luke still hadn't emerged.

We waited and waited until eventually came out of the farmhouse. Apparently, the bloke who owned house had ignored his wife and dinner, and constantly explained the same directions to the nearest pub. At least that's Luke's story and he's sticking to it. Some beans on toast and a cup of tea later, we'd (thankfully) Googled the nearest pub, only to learn it was in the complete opposite direction to what the farm owner had told Luke. We spent the rest of the evening in a nice, quiet pub, but to be honest, we didn't last much past 10pm.

Monkey Sabotage

2010-02-22T00:35:00.002Z

I know it was on the weekend 8th of Feb, but nobody has blogged about gay's birthday.

So here is a blog about gay's birthday. It's full of words and recollections about past events.

Most important thing first: four-man kart returned to the house. I'm well aware that Katie has played (as Toad.....boo) to fill the Brenda-shaped void, but surely that's three-man plus one-woman kart. Just doesn't have the same ring to it. Two sessions of Kart were had, the first seeing Luke do a naked lap up to the bottle bank and making a bottle deposit in not only great fashion, but great speed. One thing that was noticed is that monkey hadn't been on the track in quite a while, and as such, was a bit sloppy. Taking out people left right and centre, over-taking others only to crash out in front of them in dramatic style, and making noises of general dis contempt for his painful predicament. He failed to get a championship, but avoided naked runs, and that's what counts at the end of the day.

George's birthday, unsurprisingly, involved a trip to Jesters, which, unsurprisingly, involved us getting overly drunk, which, unsurprisingly, involved us getting torso-naked towards the end of the night to the Bay Watch theme. It was the Bay Watch theme, right? I really can't remember, I mean I assume it was the Bay Watch theme as that's the traditional thing to do, but it might have just been a mass Jesters strip session. Wouldn't be the first time. Anyway Katie bought me two shots of Gin and I almost vommed, throats were made hoarse by much shouting, and nobody fell into a bush on the way home, so job well done. Gay's penis cake was also fantastically made by Katie, and I'll try to attach a picture of it in a later post (unless somebody can do this ahead of me).

As for Brenda, I've returned to working in a petrol station 40 hours a week, and am currently enjoying two days off. Also considering indulging in cheese and wine at some point.

- Brenda

4 Blokes, 1 Blog, 1 Year

2010-02-05T16:24:00.002Z

Here at 4 Blokes 1 Blog we like a good a good stat; so here goes:

81 posts (and 2 unpublished works of Brenda),

18 posts referencing Mario Kart (4 of which were character descriptions),

2 holiday snaps (snore),

1 dead pheasant,

3 followers gained,

and too many rants to count...

So to wrap up, not a huge amount has changed. Yeah, Brenda has moved to Brendaland, and yeah, our targets are now 3-3-1, but the blog still stands strong. I leave you with a good pie representing posting commitment over the past 12 months.

Scary, scary times

2010-01-14T19:52:00.004Z

Sometimes things don't go your way, and things definitely weren't for me yesterday.

For the second day running we'd agreed to targets of 4 - 4 - 2; high targets considering we're likely to only play 15 races. After George's narrow escape the first time round I felt confident about taking the target. However, after taking no wins from Mushroom cup and only the Turnpike from the Flower cup, my confidence had disappeared. By this point George was well home and dry, and taking no prisoners with the banter he was dishing out. My second win came from Wario Stadium to my relief, leaving me needing 2 from 6 or 7 races. I then went on to take Bowser's, while Luke took the championship in the following race, leaving me with a shaky 1 from 2. I'm not going to lie, by this point I was bricking it, blaming everyone and everything in search of a reason how it could come to this. I managed to lose Yoshi's by the skin on my teeth, putting my balls on the line at Banshee. To a massive relief, I managed to build up a lead and take Banshee quite convincingly. Still, it was hardly the most relaxing track ever.

Which brings me on to my next point. It would have been a serious tragedy if I had had to go for a run, as I seriously don't believe I karted badly. The naked run was originally introduced as a forfeit in the case of an abysmal round. However, with the lack of Brenda we seem to constantly hit arguments of what our targets should be. I believe we need to have a bit of a brainstorm and a few trials to see what works.

Watch this space.

Skiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing

2010-01-03T13:24:00.005Z

I think a full round up of our holiday is in order.

Day 1 - Travelling
Luke set off from Cirencester at 6.30am, picking each of us up on the way to Dover. We grabbed a crossing after a short delay and made pretty good time throughout France. Reaching Switzerland late in the evening, still without showing our passports, Switzerland decided to take us on a detour. It appears that the Swiss swap the European standard colours for motorways and dual carriageways, leading us into the heart of Geneva instead around it. We decided to wake up the sat nav of doom, however it only spewed a few unhelpful phrases such as "recalculating" and "left, LEFT LEEFFTTT!!", even when such options really weren't available. Following signs to the airport, we found our way back on to the motorway and carried on our journey. The final leg involved the climbing of the Swiss Alps, which after a fair amount of snaking required the use of chains for the tyres. The blokes got out to get the job done as quickly as possible, as it was COLD, and Ed helpfully threw his ring into a foot of snow. After a bit of arguing and searching, the ring was luckily retrieved and we were back on the road. We finally arrived in Anzere at about 2.30am Swiss time, and a complete journey time of 19 hours.

Day 2 - Skiing
On our first day of skiing, we hurried out of the apartment after only a few hours sleep and off to the ski hire and telecabin lifts. George then realised the bindings on his snowboard were completely wrong and headed back down to the ski hire man. The rest enjoyed a fair amount of skiing in convoy, up to the point when Ed bailed off a T-bar lift losing his sun glasses in the snow. After a fair amount of searching, the sunglasses were deemed a 'civilian casualty' and the skiing continued. Luke's brother Mark and friend from home Clare arrived that evening spurring a lot of evening card games.

Day 3 - Skiing
The second day of skiing was great fun, topped off with a evening out at a pub. Ed introduced the game 'Vegetables' while George made friends with some random Dutch bloke.

Day 4 - Rain
We woke up in the morning to high winds and shed loads of rain. Unfortunately, this lead to the closure of the telecabins and all the other ski lifts at the resort. Disheartened, we dug out a 1,500 piece jigsaw to kill the time.

Day 5 - Skiing, New years eve
After the previous day's rain, we didn't have the highest hopes for day 5. However an early look out the windows showed an unexpected and really heavy snowfall overnight. We spent the morning skiing like mad in the sunshine on the perfect snow... well most of us did. Mark managed an incredible wipe-out, by performing a head-over-heels roll immediately after dropping down a steep slope.
The weather conditions deteriorated over lunch though, and with the closure of the lift outside our restaurant we started to get cold and unhappy. However after a brandy and mint cake pick-me-up we all went a little hyper.
In the evening we went out to a lovely restaurant and Luke spent the entire evening shooting two 12 year old kids he called 'monkeys'. After a fair amount of food we all waddled back to the apartment to watch Anzere's and the surrounding valley's fireworks to welcome the new year.

Day 6 - Skiing, New year's day
I'm not going to lie, getting up was a little hard on New year's day. We eventually made it out on to the slopes though, but the conditions deteriorated quickly. By mid-afternoon, the conditions were so bad we couldn't see either side of the piste, where the snow turned into cloud or barely each other. In convoy, we slide slipped down a pretty treacherous slope on the only route home.
The final evening saw a lot, and I mean A LOT of tobogganing. I don't evening remember how many times we said "ok, last run" but we were just kept going for ages. Memorable runs included: the 7 toboggan train, the double driver train, and Luke and Mark's effort on just a single toboggan.

Day 7 - Travelling
The trip home started at 10am in Switzerland, and despite gaining an hour probably finished about 10am in Cirencester for Luke. It turned out that Saturday was quite a common day for leaving Switzerland, and the roads were absolutely rammed. I didn't really help that one of the tunnels our motorway went through completely closed, and with no help from Tunnel FM, all we could do is wait. Luckily though, we weren't there for too long and were quite glad to get back into France (now I never thought I'd say that). The next hold up was at customs, the first and only time our passports were checked the whole holiday. Apparently, immigration checks were being carried out and the French side of the tunnel were completely unprepared (HOW??!!?). Everyone was queuing instead of parking and no one we spoke seemed to have much a clue what was going on. We eventually made it onto a train and powered it back across England all the way home.

Jizz Luke for an awesome trip.

Like John McClain...

2009-12-21T17:36:00.003Z

...I'm not having a great Christmas so far.

I've spent what little money I had for Chrismas presents already, which means I no longer have to brave the frantic crowds shovelling stuff off the shelves in the city centre, which is good because I tripped over a small child when I went and made them cry. Internet shopping is the logical choice for the grumpy poor mans Christmas shopping, but the lack of ANY of the presents I ordered arriving has me slightly concerned. Sorry oli.

So far I've been hungover on all but one of the days i've spent at my parents, but unlike Southampton I can't get away with doing nothing all day as there are family to see, which is lovely but difficult when I'm trying not to vomit on their shoes. On the plus side, I was treated to a snowboard lesson today in preparation for our upcoming epic adventure, and discovered that it may well be the best hangover cure, although awkward when you need to dash for the loo with beer shits. I took my small child wiping out tally to two in spectacular style and invented a new winter sport of face-boarding. Expect to see me take the gold in 2012.

Whilst everywhere else has had snow, Oxford has only had black ice. As a result, whilst walking round the front of my step dads car I stacked it in spectaular style, doing the running man for a bit before falling onto his bonnet, but it's ok because I broke the fall with my forhead. I did the same this morning going to get milk (no shindlering here) so all in all fed up with the weather , shopping and life in general. I was at a party last night hosted by some friends, and nearly pulled twice. The first bailed when she found out how old I was (she was 25) and the second I bailed when I found out how old she was (16). Same old shit eh.

But despite all this the exciting stuff is just around the corner. Christmas day brings epic food, a stupid amount of booze and lots of people to see, and shortly after the snow trip with the gang, minus Brenda. Merry Christmas everybody, we will tell you about the trip when we get back, it's going to be legen-wait for it...

Snooooooow... Tarquin?

2009-12-18T09:18:00.002Z

Whey! It always amazes me the way in this country we get 'severe weather warnings' at chance of a few inches of snow though. I mean, I swear there are countries that have more snow than this all year round. Do they have permanent severe weather warnings? I doubt it. Having said that though, I was hoping to go shopping this morning and I'll bet every transport system has been buggered up. I wonder if Russia cancels it's trains and buses on account of 'too much snow'...

This holiday my time has been mainly dominated by 5000 words I need to write about Web science. However, I'm starting to gets slightly distracted as not only is Christmas nearing, but so is skiiiiiiiiiiing! Great success!

Am I the only person getting sick of this 'We want a dislike button' shit on facebook?

2009-12-02T19:06:00.002Z

What, so, people want a button to 'dislike' status' so they can be douche bags to people?

God people are dumb.

Update Update Update

2009-11-22T22:33:00.002Z

I keep writing out entries and then forgetting about them

So here we go! November update.

I lost my job. Woo. Complications involving disagreements with the clientele, or something about calling the boss a cunt, I'm not sure. Either way, I'm once again looking for work (hopefully not pub work, and hopefully something full time this time around). I'm sick of pub work; it's mind-numbingly boring, you get treated like shit by the chavs out to get pissed up then go home and beat their girlfriends, and the pay is awful. I'm earning £5.50 an hour (uh, was earning), and getting taxed on 25% of it. Awful way to live, I have bills/debts to pay!!

I've been making business cards to give to my dad to hand out at his work and see if I can blag any office jobs. I'm toiling with the idea of Brenda Business' rather than my actual name, but I think the message would probably be lost on most.

Reminds me, need to go to Southampton at some point, if anything just to play the new Brenda voice mails. Brenda win.

Back from the dead

2009-10-26T00:37:00.002Z

Yes that's right, we are back from the dead! Some called it freshers flu, some called it swine flu, whinging women called it man flu, all I knew is it hurt like buggery but at least Zeshan wasn't treating us.

This has led to a bit of a lack of banter really. We have barely gone out recently but when we have, Christ has it been messy. This week saw Katie (our 4th housemate who returned finally after a summer of... Actually what was she doing? Whoring?) being given get death swing induction, with a full health and safety briefing of course. Meanwhile, in jesters I was doing my best to start a fight with the boxing club, Oli, a passing bloke, a wall and generally being a mess. Sara vommed, which was controversial.

This weekend I fled the mess of disgruntled women, broken laptops and mario kart arguments that is my life and returned once more to Oxford. Despite not having my customary pint with Brenda, I have spent the last 3 days drunk. A pub day with my dad meant I turned up on my mums doorstep slightly incoherent and already smelling of booze. A family dinner at my grans resulted in me and my mum staggering to the offy after the family drunk their way through a fridge of alcohol meant for 2 days. The evening got more bizarre after I lost my dad only to find him in the other room playing with a train set and my gran coming within inches of catching us rolling a massive spliff in her front roo
.

Today was much of the same, but with more of my usual antics. Whereas last nights drinking rendered me a little slurry and prone to tell anyone who would listen how much I'd missed them, today was in a different league. 40 people descended upon my grans house and, like a cat scared by too many new people, I retreated to the corner with two bottles of red wine and got bladdered. Properly. Damage report

a) 1 of my grandmas tablecloths soaked in red wine
b) one great uncle insulted when I told him "I thought you were dead"
c) 20 or so relatives talked to with black red wine teeth
d) 2 innapropriate jokes told
e) 3 relatives offended by my and my dads conversation and loud swearing

and best of all

f) on leanring a woman who's name I could not remember was charlamagne, I rose from my chair, yelped Charles! and bombed it across the room to meet her to the amusement of only myself. Especially because her name was Lucy.

I think I can consider myself written out of everyones wills, but as my hangover is kicking in about now, I'd better start writing mine.

Things are quiet... too quiet

2009-10-25T10:37:00.002Z

Things have been quiet recently, and there's a reason for it. Our freshers week was destroyed by house-wide infection of the annual freshers flu. I mean, we like our freshers week, so having it torn to pieces by forces outside of our control isn't fun. However, less of the sads, more of the wins.

The karting championships currently stand at 37 - 8 - 1. Over the past few weeks I've noticed a trend in our scores; that each score can be reflected as a function of championships played, n.
Oli = n * 4/5
Luge = n * 1/5
Gay = 1
However, 3 player kart is never the most representative. Complicated ruling systems involving whether to play Rainbow and whether play-offs should count towards safety wins are necessary. This is the reason why I'm looking forward to Brenda arriving. Not because of his charming personality, or his frequent trips to KFC or the bank, but purely for the kart. Bring it on Brenda!

Kart aside, something that had been bugging me for a while surfaced a few days ago; George and Luke gave me my birthday present... in cereal form. I was handed my cereal packet and wished happy birthday. Completely confused, I peered inside to find a coupon... for a FREE BOAT RIDE for 3! All that was left to do was choose who to take...
"I'll choose... " (looking at George) "George... and... " (looking at Luke) "T-Pain".
"Hell Yeah!"

Finally, I leave you with the thought: If it rained for 40 days and 40 nights, who and what would make it on to our raft?

Sometimes I even suprise my self

2009-10-08T12:30:00.002+01:00

For the last day or two I had had a bit of a cold and was feelinging grim, but after some awsome, if a little broken, grade A sleep I was on the mend. As the golden midday sun trickled in through my window I decided to get out of bed and pester Oli.
A fairly mundane start to the day, but little did I know that this would be the build up to the best moment of my life.
Now, Oli and I are not renowned for having very interesting conversations, I'm sure you must already know that our milk conversations could bore to death even the most patient of Tibetan monks. However, A few weeks ago I started a course in Garden Design and since I started all they seem to have done is hand out assignments, which means I have been bricking it as I don't know what to do for any of them. One of the assignments that we were given was one where we have to give a 15 minute presentation on a typical garden structure. It was this peticular assignment that the following conversation concerned:
"Hey Ol, I've decided what I'm going to do my assignemt on"
"Yeah?"
"Well every body else was doing their's on arty farty structures, so I thought I would do mine on 'swings'"
"What are you going to talk about for 15 minutes on swings?"
"Well, it's quite a broad topic. You have lots of different types of swings. You know, Wooden swings, tyre swings, bench swings..."
And before my tormented mind could process the words that it was forming they had already left my mouth.
".... DEATH SWINGS!!!"
Realisation of what I had just said hit me like a brick to the face, but what an awsome brick!!!
The overpowerment of the combernation of a Chin Review quote and the worlds best drunken activity was almost too much to handle.
The whole experince was only marred by the fact that with my chesty cough it hurt to laugh, which meant I was in pain for the next ten minutes.

She's Back!

2009-10-06T10:20:00.002+01:00

Oh yes, it's true. For the first time in at least 8 months, Brenda lives!

As previously explained somewhere on the blog, the whole Brenda facade came about when I started receiving voice mails on my mobile from a woman called Mary, calling me Brenda and asking if I wanted to go for a spot of tea and other such shenanigans. She's a Geordie too, making it all the better. I'd claim that she's just got the wrong number, but in actuality she just knows my horrible horrible secret. That I'm an 82 year old woman called Brenda.

Anyway, yesterday I received another voicemail from Mary. Nothing extravagant, just her saying she was 'out' now and would catch up with her later. Makes it sound like Mary has been to prison, what exciting double lives the pair of them must lead. A friend of mine suggested that I arrange to meet up with Mary and pretend to be Brenda after a sex change and age... reduction... operation. Sounded more plausible when we discussed it the first time.

- Brenda (lives!)

Brenda goes to Hollywood; Act III

2009-10-03T13:06:00.002+01:00

Apocalypse Brenda - An army platoon travel deep into a sub-tropical jungle in Cambodia, in search of a renegade general. The big twist is that the 'general' turns out to be Brenda, leading a tribal group of old women, partaking in games such as DEATH BINGO and BACKGAMMON

Journey To The Centre Of The Brenda - A team of top scientists shrink themselves down to microscopic size in order to enter Brenda and search for what makes her so awesome. Turns out it's an undigested piece of cabbage

Lord Of The Handbags: Fellowship Of The Brenda - 'I will take it! I will take the handbag back to the bingo hall... though I do not know the way'

'Then you have my zimmer frame'

'And my daily medication pills'

'AND MY AXE'

Advice

2009-09-24T09:27:00.004+01:00

So a few days ago it was my brother's birthday, so Sara and I headed to their new flat in town. There were quite a few of his friends there, most giving presents and enjoying a drink before heading out. However, before the whole group left for David's local, he pulled me aside and handed me something.

"Use this to get through", he said.

Top Brenda

2009-09-20T00:42:00.003+01:00

Like Top Cat... but shitter, according to George. Speaking of which, has everyone taken notice of how many posts have been tagged 'Brenda'? It's the latest craze that's sweeping the nation.

So Brenda, thanks for ruining some Muse songs for me with that image. Wanker. For me Resistance is my favourite track. I'm agreeing on Guiding Light being one of the weakest, though Undisclosed Desires is awesome. All in all, better than Black Holes I reckon.

YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY

2009-09-19T23:16:00.003+01:00

So I had a Mario Kart based dream last night. Which is odd, because I haven't played the game in months now (which in itself is heartbreaking, I know, I know). I probably had the dream because I read George's update on the coming of the star-born one's, heralded by George actually managing to win a championship.

It's the first sign of the end.

Anyway, it was quite a dream. Me, George, Oli and Luke replaced our respective characters and were driving around a number of tracks from Mario 64 (and a couple from the Wii version for some reason, which is blasphemy, I know). The main thing I remember is George getting blue-shelled by somebody on Rainbow Road and falling into the black abyss. Lakitu can't save you now, bitch.

I didn't have a tie on though. Shameful.

Yeah, new Muse album came out the other day, parents bought it before I did so I've just copied it to my computer. It's pretty jawesome. The only one's I'm not feeling that much are Undisclosed Desires and Guiding Light; they're good, but over-shadowed by the rest of the album, I think. I dunno, Undisclosed Desires gives me the same vibe Supermassive Black Hole did when it came out, the notion that it'll be used in gay dance clubs for, well, you know..

Gay Grinding.

Exogenesis is what all the critics are raving about, and I agree with the sentiment that it's musical genius, but personally, I think there's better on the album. 'I Belong To You' and the title track 'Resistance' are just phwoar. Lots of mental piano solo's too, very often taken from existing pieces (some Chopin in 'United States of Eurasia', for example). Exogenesis IS good, but it's not conventional 'band music', being an orchestral bit, so maybe that's why I'm not fapping over it so much.

- Brenda

Pheasant... Tarquin?

2009-09-17T09:28:00.005+01:00

Before I start, why is George whoring up our blog again with requests that people blog more often? Seriously, you still surprise me sometimes.

Anyway, more importantly yesterday Luke created something epic. He was cycling to his college in Winchester when he saw a car coming in the opposite direction. Just as it went past him, he heard a thud and a pheasant went flying in the air. Stopping his bike, Luke went to check on the pheasant, which it turned out had clearly seen better days. Luke humainly put it to sleep and put it in his bag and continued to college.

George was definitely less impressed when Luke returned with whole pheasant in his bag. Quite rightfully, Luke ignored George's protests and went forward with preparing the pheasant. It eventually made its way in to an absolutely amazing home-made pie along with some bacon and ale, and after an hour in the oven smelt beautiful. It tasted equally good with the only complaints related to the sheer size of the dinner.

Thanks Lukas

Housekeeping?.... HOUSEKEEPING...

2009-09-15T23:57:00.000+01:00

I’ve tidied up the blog a bit, added all the tags in the world, and the twitter feed on the right is now showing both mine (georgebergel) and Brenda’s (cptfez) twitter updates. Enjoy that.

Come on lads, lets keep the blog going, Freshers will bring a lot of banter I’m sure.

Hell has frozen over

2009-09-15T23:36:00.003+01:00

It finally happened. I won a championship.

HELL YEAH.

After 3 years and 27 championships since July alone I managed to pull it out of the bag when it mattered most. Theres not much more to say really other than to give you the facts and figures.

The races I won were:

Luigi Raceway
Kalamari Desert
Frappe Snowland
Mario Raceway
Bowsers Castle (in fast mode I might add)
DK's Jungle Parkway
Banshee Boardwalk

We didn't even play Rainbow Road, it was already over.

Here is the final scoreboard for evidence and the numbers:

Afterwards we had champagne. It was good.

I'm off to live with the other racing legends in Monaco, see you all in another life.

Good times

2009-09-05T19:30:00.003+01:00

So I’m sat im my garden with a cigar, a bottle of champagne in the fridge about to head up to London to carry on filming. At first glance this would seem like life was pretty cushty, but in reality the champagne was a belated present and I still have no money.

As a result banter has been a bit limited recently, not much going on. I haven’t been going out, and between the 3 of us in soton jetting away all the time and Brenda being stuck in some kind of Brenda parallel universe populated entirely by banks and KFC’s theres not a lot of stories to tell.

We had Oli’s birthday BBQ last weekend which was notable in its lack of notoriety. Thats not to say it wasnt a great party (cos it was) but I think I might be to blame. I didn’t get ridiculously drunk, come on to anyone or make innapropriate comments about poo. In fact the closest we came to me making a tit out of myself was crippling my knee for a few days playing football in the dark.

Are we getting tired and old? NO I SAY. We shall resume normal service ASAP and I have every hope that freshers week will bring Brenda, banter, and Brenda Banter. Let the party continue. In the words of the great president Obama, can we party hard?

“Hell yeah, mother fucker”

Destined to float

2009-08-20T09:30:00.003+01:00

So much more of the same. Karting everyday, Gay doing more bottle runs, and I think the score now stands at 17 - 6 - 0. Will Gay ever pull out a championship? In all likelihood, no.

In other news, after the success of our battery powered car (zooming unaided past a good 15 houses down our road), we've decided to embark on a new voyage. The plan is to build a raft capable of staying afloat whilst carrying all of our weight, literally without spending a penny. So far we've shotgunned a garage door and 24 polystyrene blocks, which we are completely confident will provide enough buoyancy. We also managed to rinse 3 planks of wood from our house from 2 years ago. After removing god knows how many nails from it, we nailed them together around the garage door to form a frame to hold the polystyrene in place. All that remains now is fixing all 24 polystrene blocks together, and the plan is to use plastic bags. We are destined to float.

Today marks the day of a very important event. It's the release of Monkey Island 5 part II, and my god are we looking forward to it. However, there is always the fear of a delay in its release in a similar way to what happened to part I. Either way there's no news yet of it's release, just praying it's ready by the time I get home today...

Dislikes: Shitty Jobs

2009-08-19T14:06:00.003+01:00

I suppose it should be said that any job is better than no job. I'm provisionally going to make £500 this month (£450 of which I won't see, but, debts are debts). This is assuming I actually GET PAID and not fucked around like I was last month with bullshittery about tabs, subs and hours that I worked and didn't get paid for.

...oh hey, didn't notice you there. Sorry, just having a BRENDA rant. BRENDAAAAA.

Maybe I should go up to my boss and shout BRENDAAAAA in her face and see what she does. Overpowered by the pure natural power of Brenda, she'll be forced to double my hourly pay rate.

Or fire me. Either way.

I'm so sick of working in this pub. One week I'll only get 14 hours, the next I'll get 48. Pub work seems more fun than it actually is when you get to it (of course, it probably helps if your boss isn't a complete nutter that goes off on you for mistakes that she's made herself. Cheers then).

As soon as I've cleared the immediate debt, I'm thinking of moving back to Southampton and getting some sort of Office type job. Can't be doing with pubs anymore, and Brendaville has lost its touch. Plus, I haven't karted in FOREVER. Too long has it been since Mario, Luigi, DK and Yoshi have gone to Koopa Troopa Beach and fucked about on the rocks.

That sounds a bit dirty if you don't know what I mean.

Anyway, I SHOULD be back down for Oli's birthday, where we can Kart, drink and be merry. Not necessarily in that order.

- BRENDAAAAA

So where the fuck were we?

2009-08-16T12:26:00.002+01:00

It’s been a long time since anyone blogged, myself included, so I thought I’d try and rekindle the blogging spirit by updating any readers out there on what we are all up to, with just enough abuse to provoke a response.

I’m currently effectively unemployed; I do have a job, but its shite and barely any hours so I don’t count it. Oli is also effectively unemployed; he has a job but does barely any hours when he’s there, and is shite at life. Luke is also effectively unemployed, as he’s just handing in his notice to go back to Uni. And Tom is probably unemployed, because thats just how Brenda rolls.

There has been ups and downs over the last few weeks, but I’m not going to share them all now lest I use up all the good stories and leave us with nothing to talk about again. One particular gem though comes from about 4 weeks ago when me and Luke were in Reflex randomly on a Thursday night. Having started the evening stalking Zeshan around town and depositing my CV at various Pubs, we surprised Zeshan by interrupting his family dinner. We didn’t drop him in it too much, but he was left shaken by the experience, as intended.

We then moved the party on to Reflex, which proved to be the best call we’ve ever made. For whatever reason we were basically the only people in there, until a couple of off duty strippers and their mates turned up at the bar. They sat with us for a bit, and then the girl with the nicest arse in the entire world took to the pole. And exposed said nice arse by turning upside down on the pole so her stupidly small dress fell up, revealing the wondrous beauty, thong and all. Luke showed no shame in moving round the table to sit next to me and share the beauty - never has perving been so obvious. I called Z.

“I can’t come out mate... my parents are here and I oughta spend time with them...”

“Zeshan. There are strippers here. I can’t stress it enough.”

“.....I’ll be there in 5”

The rest of the night is clouded by spirits, chaos and failure, but we spent the rest of the night chatting to them and having a bit of a giggle. Highlights include Zee rubbing the leg of Nice Arse girl (which she encouraged), me failing to chat up Mother of Two, Luke buying Fat But Well Endowed a drink and then licking her nipples and me staring at Nice Arse’s nice arse from about 3 cm away until she noticed. And rubbed my face on her arse. Sweeeet.

The night ended with Z giving us a lift back after we had a secondary chatting up session with some girls outside the club. One was into me and kept calling me Seth, but the one I wanted (in see-through string top) was engaged so we called it off when we realised we couldn’t fit them all in Z’s car. Bad times. We survived the car journey home, Luke turned Z’s satnav into polish, and a legendary night was born.

You know the rules, and so do I

2009-07-23T09:24:00.002+01:00

I know I seem to be blogging daily, but the quality of the karting is just so so high.

Yesterday was another day, another championship. It all started in controversy when Gay pulled the first win out of the bag, exclaiming "you're leaving it a bit late boys!" The first half of the championship then followed fairly standardly, with the exception of a very tight Turnpike. The race for the championship seemed a two horse race between Luge and Oli, with Gay trailing on his 1 win. However, his lack of wins wasn't affecting his composure; "boys there's no way I'm going to have to do a naked bottle run today" he stated in a confident manner. Still Luge and Oli exhanged first place across the next few tracks leaving the championship far from decided, while Gay continued to fail to pick up the win he so so needed to reach safety. The Star cup was over and we slowly noticed signs of nervousness across Gay's face, as Special cup is where the reality hits home, as I'm sure Luge will tell you.

The first two tracks of Special cup passed, and although the championship had already been decided, the pressure was on more than ever for Gay to get his second win. Banshee turned out to be an incredibly close race, with all three of us going in to the final lap neck and neck. Mistakes from both Luge and Oli gifted Gay with an amazing chance at safety, but unfortunately his eyes flicked away from his screen at precisely the wrong time leaving him drowning in Banshee waters.

Needless to say, it was all down to rainbow. There's only so far you can get behind on this track though. It's long stretches and constant safety barriers make items incredibly powerful, and the pack stayed tight until the final lap. Gay was not far behind in third place when he received a blue shell. A smile spread across his face as he pressed the trigger and the blue shell hit him instantly; he had fired it on a corner. However forgiving the safety barriers are the majority of the time, Gay was far higher than they could reach, and he plumetted to a mile long fall. Lachikitu took his time to replace Gay on the track, and by the time he had done so, the race was effectively over.

Gay's naked bottle run counter: 2

Not work

2009-07-22T09:22:00.003+01:00

I arrived at work to see the department in a state of panic this morning. A software malfunction deep in the kernel of the eye tracking infrastructure was the cause of the crisis meeting. As I walked in I heard someone say "but no one can do Oliver's job better than him!" "Don't worry", I exclaimed, "just leave it to me" is all I said as I pulled the biscuits closer. Ok, that's a big lie. No one even noticed I was late for work because I was dragging Gay out of the front door, still in his sleeping bag.

In other news, Luge came to within one of Pickle's whiskers of doing a naked bottle run yesterday evening. With half the championship down, Luge was still no closer to safety. After a scrap of a Wario Stadium, he managed to fluke his way to his first win. However, his bad luck returned for the following 6 courses, leaving him in dire need of Rainbow. Now this was always going to be one tense race, with Gay and Oli tieing in first place with 7 wins each and Luge clinging on to his hope of safety. The track got off to a good start with Oli dominating the first two laps and most of the third until disaster struck. A stupid little bomb wandered in to my path, paving the way for Luge to bumble his way to safety. An my god was he relieved. After Luge getting another win in the Beach playoff, Oli raced a stormer around Choco Mountain to claim the championship.

Working hard or hardly working?

2009-07-20T13:29:00.003+01:00

Strange times. Gay has now officially graduated; a sight I didn't think I'd live to witness. I skived a bit of time off "work" (not as if anyone would ever notice) to watch the ceremony, which from what I saw was pretty uneventful. Gay didn't even stack it up the stairs. Disappointing. He did however have quite a chat with the Vice Chancellor. Not sure what he asked Gay but the reply was definitely a "no". He was probably asking whether he'd got a championship yet.

Moving on. I rocked Mottingham church hall like never before on Saturday night. Shame it was to a bunch of 14-year-old emo kids. At least all my REAL friends were there and not off marauding around Southampton. You guys had better blog at some point in your life about this supposedly epic night...

Deep in the carribean...

2009-07-08T22:55:00.004+01:00

Once again, it's been a while and we've been busy.

Moving day was mental. We'd all come back from our respective holidays, the uglier one's uploading their holiday snaps. I went on a 35 hour no-sleep-a-thon while Luge's car took a complete battering from all the moving. It now creaks constantly and squeals when he turns right. We've shotgunned a bunch of furniture which we saved from being thrown out of random houses. Brenda had a fight with a phone box door later that night. And lost.

Last weekend we took a road trip to Bexhill to celebrate Jamie entering his 21st year. The night obviously encouraged a fair amount of booze, a massive treck around the seaside town between the pub and Jamie's house and some fence jumping. And a magician.

However, these two events are cast to the shadows next to what happened today. Despite the horrific wait we endured all yesterday expecting Monkey Island 5, it was released over night meaning we had to wait until I got home at 5.20pm to play, and my god we were ready. The teas and sausage rolls were lined up as I came through the front door as we embarked on a 4 hour straight of swash buckling, sword swinging mayhem. And my god was it good.

A film review of sorts

2009-07-05T02:58:00.003+01:00

So I was bored earlier on today, and decided to look for a film to watch online. Hitting up TvShack, the first thing that caught my eye was Pixar's 'Up'. Pixar stuff is usually good, geared to audiences of all ages (mostly), so I thought I'd give it a watch.

It's a brilliant film, but fuck me is it depressing in places. I won't spoil anything, but, christy. The films about 85 minutes long, and I watched the first 50 minutes before going out drinking. Probably the most depressing part of the film is within the first 10 minutes anyway, so you'll know what I mean if you watch even that much into it. It's got the usual feel good moments that you'd expect from a film released by Pixar, or rather at least one with people that you can relate to (unlike 'Cars', which I've never seen but assume to be fucking stupid). One of the funniest bits is of the main character, an old guy called Carl, envisioning him dropping the kid he gets stuck with to his death.

But I came away from it (making it sound like I actually went somewhere to watch it. I got up from the toilet after watching it illegally) feeling incredibly depressed, especially with the last shot for some reason, which probably isn't even meant to be that depressing.

But we're not done there. Ohh no. Check out what I found on the wikipedia page for 'Up':

"In addition to the positive critical reviews the film received, Up highlights Pixar's corporate image as a progressive company through its charitable acts. In June 2009, a 10-year-old girl from Huntington Beach, California was suffering from the final stages of terminal vascular cancer. It is reported her dying wish was to "live to see the movie" despite the advanced stage of her disease. However, due to her deteriorating condition, the girl was unable to leave the family home. As a result, a family friend contacted Pixar and arranged for a private screening. A Pixar employee flew to the Huntington Beach home with various Up tie-in toys and a DVD copy of the film. The child could not open her eyes due to the pain caused from the cancer, so her mother described the film to her scene by scene. The young girl died approximately seven hours after the screening ended" - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Up_(2009_film)

WELP.

The film is deffo worth watching, but my god has it given me the sads.

- Brendaaaa

GOOD EEEVENING, and welcome to!...

2009-07-03T01:46:00.002+01:00

So BRENDA BRENDA BRENDA came down to visit this weekend. It was eventful enough; we shipped all of Gay, Luge, Oli and Katie's shit into the new house, cleaned the old house, then went to Jesters. Jesters was standard; drink lots on a budget of £3 and dance the last 30 minutes of the night away to cheese and queen.

'But not CHEESE AND WIIINE!'

'You only come for the Cheese and Wine!'

'...Well what do you come for?'

'..I come for the Cheese and Wine.'

On the way home, SOMEBODY stole my shoe. I think it was Luge but I was actually too drunk to remember properly. I KNEW IT WAS YOU, YOU SHIT.

Actually, I was worried about getting glass in my foot on the way home, and guess what. I did. PAIN LUGE. PAIN. When we got home, I went through the fridge to see if there was any decent food in there. There was not, though I found a canister of Squirty Cream left over from my pancake making days with Pete Willis. I squirted Luge, one thing led to another, and before we knew it, the house was covered in man cream. I personally blame Katie for the chaotic mess.

Shame on you.

I woke up in a drunken mess, although still hanging from the evening before as a mild state of inebriation took hold. I realised at this point I was lying on a set of sofa cushions, and suspected I had decided this the optimum choice in comparison to sharing a bed with gay. With not a huge amount of sleep, I made the trek back to Didcot, though not before visiting the Gordons for a bill paying fiasco of triple-laptop proportions.

I'll be back in a couple weeks. Try not to die in that space of time, K?

- Brenda Brenda Brenda (Brendington)

Time for a change

2009-06-28T00:27:00.001+01:00

Well, we wait ages for a Luke blog post to come and when it does, its big, long and very funny. Like his penis. Nice work mate.

Tomorrow we acquire (Squire!) the keys to our new house and will all be migrating to Southampton, first me and Brenda, then Luke and finally Oli on Monday. Stay tuned for the next chapter.

What have you got that's local!!

2009-06-27T23:32:00.005+01:00

I've just got back from holiday in Ireland, and before Oli gets all shirty, this is not a little story about my holiday. It is about something far FAR more important….
More important than me,
More important than you,
More important than any of us……..
(It's not a dig at the Irish either, just encase any Irish are reading this…. You are all lovely)

There is only one thing wrong with Ireland, and that is the huge number of American tourists who go around claming that they are 100% genuine Irish just because their grandmother's, hair dresser's, best friend's, GOLDFISH was once sneezed on by an Irish man.
(I kid you not, one person we over heard clamed that he was actually Irish because two of his great grand parents had been Irish. THAT IS SIMPLY NOT HOW IT WORKS. For a start, he must have had six great grandparents who WEREN'T Irish!!!)
But that in itself unfortunately is not a crime. HOWEVER, in my eyes, what IS a crime is what they have done to all the local pubs.
Every single pub that we saw had been tailored to the American market. You walk past quaint little Irish pubs that proudly show off their extensive range of American beers.
If I wanted to drink American beers……. I would SHOOT MYSELF!!
If you go into the pub and ask if they have anything local you find yourself unsurprised by the reply "GUINNES" which is brewed in Dublin, we were in Killarney, Which is over THREE HUNDRED KILLOMETERS AWAY!!!!
I repeat:
Three HUNDRED!!!!!!
And what's more, because it is for Americans that wouldn't know a decent beer if it slapped them in the face, it has to be served chilled so that it doesn't actually TASTE of anything. I mean really NOTHING….. AT ALL…....ZIP….LIKE WATER!!!
We trekked for seven miles in the blistering heat, up mountains, across lakes, though gorges before finally coming across a secluded little pub in the middle of nowhere that due to some miracle served Irish beer that wasn't guinnes.
It turns out that Ireland has the sum total of:
3 Stouts
2 Ales
1 Lager

That's five beers……. FIVE!!!.....(maths fail)......er.... SIX!!!!
AN ENTIRE COUNTRY!!!!
WITH SIX BEERS!!!!!!!
Fair play to them… it can't be easy having to live in a country that only has SIX BEERS.
And, low and behold, all of them are served chilled and therefore all taste EXACTLY THE SAME!!!
So we decided to kidnap a local and torture him until he told us where the nearest brewery was.
Cork, the nearest brewery was in Cork which was in the next county and over an hour's drive away, and then when you get there, IT'S A HEINEKEN BREWERY.

So when you next watch the news or read the papers or just over-hear people saying that England has gone:
to the dogs,
down the pan,
to hell in a handbasket
or other such nonsense fraises, just remind yourself, that that is a BIG, FAT, LIE.
For this country still has the one thing that makes it great.
The one thing that really matters.
The ability to go into a pub and ask for something local, and not to be looked at like you've just ordered a poached walrus on a bed of earwigs.
And you never know, you may be rewarded for your question by being given a nice cheeky little beer that you had never tried before. AND the knowledge that it may well have been brewed by your grandmothers, hairdressers, best friend's, goldfish.
And to some people, that almost makes it family.
So, as previously stated, this is NOT at story about my holiday.
It is a tribute.
A tribute to the good people at CAMRA.
An amazing group of people who saw the problems that faced this country, and in it's darkest hour stood up and said "NO"
"We will not drink your foreign muck"
"We will not go quietly into the night…. We will go drunkenly and loudly"
"I don't care if this beer is SHIT, It's local, IT IS A PART OF ME!!!"
So that every British city, every green field, every stretch of coastland on this island of ours can have a brewery.
And every Englishman who lies passed out in a gutter (or supermarket car park) can lie back AND THINK OF ENGLAND.
CAMRA… I salute you!!
……
…….
……….
………… I need a pint.

Summer Holiday

2009-06-20T21:49:00.001+01:00

Look at these pretty clouds

Taking a well earned break from Brendering

2009-06-17T00:40:00.005+01:00

Well it's uni holidays and most of us are enjoying a break from the work. Actually when I say most, I mean me. Gay did fuck all work anyway, Lukas is still working and Brenda never stops brenda-ing.

Anyway, shortly after each of our trips abroad, we need to turn our sights to moving day, or M-Day as it shall now be known. The generous people that are Tenant Link have informed us that we need to lock up and hand in our keys by 10am. TEN AM! Not only does that mean we have to get up ridiculously early to remove all our stuff and do last minute cleaning, but also we are homeless for over 2 hours. God only knows what we're going to do with 4 people's stuff.

Oh, and I've just remembered. I swear if I see one of Homo's holiday snaps on this blog I am going to beat him so hard with Charles, Charles' wheelchair will come out his nose.

And on that note I leave you with a good bit of fail I saw at the skate park earlier (I was sharpening up my awesome skating skills)

A Brenda Walks into a Bar..

2009-05-28T23:17:00.004+01:00

Walks up to the bar itself, and asks for a pint of Fosters. The girl behind the bar gives Brenda a chav-ish 'aaight' before reaching for a glass and pulling the pint. Brenda receives his (her) pint, takes a sip and places it down in front of himself (herself). Brenda then becomes aware that a man, probably in his late 60's, is eyeing Brenda and making weird grunting sounds.

Brenda turns to the man, asks if he can help him, to which the man replies 'You can't help me. You can't help anybody but yourself, that's what you need to remember'. Brenda pauses for thought before agreeing politely that 'yes, perhaps the only people we can only truly help ourselves in our own society, but what about those in 3rd world countries?'. The old man grunts, takes a large swig of his ale, which has most likely been sitting in front of him for a good hour, and replies 'fuck them n*ggers'.

Brenda rolls his eyes. 'One of those, eh?' he thinks to himself, and privately assumes that the old man would be voting for the British Nationalist Party this coming election. The man stands up, steps away from the bar stool, then falls over, too drunk to stand on his own two feet. Brenda hides a smirk and continues with his beverage, not caring to help up the man lying on the floor.

This all actually happened today, and here's the awesome part: After he's picked himself up from the floor, he literally screams at the top of his voice 'BRENDAAA!'. An old woman rushes in and helps him out the door, though I had almost gotten off of my bar stool myself.

Didcot pubs. Sigh.

Bend it like Brenda

2009-05-17T11:05:00.002+01:00

It's been a busy time recently. I've been organising a big football tournament, leaving very little time for anything else. I've been hampered with emails about things like 'the definition of the trainer' from some absolute clowns.

Anyway, the night before the tournament we went to Kinki. Since Brenda had come down for weekend we thought it was only right we dedicate every text to the big screen to her. It started off with "Bren..." and "Brenda?", but ended up something like "Brendabrendabrendabrendabrendabreanda"; a text which was so long, when displayed on the screen on one line you really couldn't even read it.

So the day after I got up early not feeling too bad. However, despite my early morning wake up calls, my team mates of Charles United only turned up 60 seconds before our first game, and hanging. Badly. Although we didn't make it through the group stages, highlights of the day included a player on one of the teams named 'Charles', and the idea of a film named 'Bend it like Brenda'.

Oh, and Homo managed to line himself up a naked lap, despite getting two wins in the round of Kart. Fool.

What the fuck?

2009-05-12T11:29:00.001+01:00

OK, haven’t got much time to blog as I’m writing my dissertation, but I propose a challenge to my fellow authors - find me a more pointless website than this one:

http://www.catsinsinks.com/

Yes. It’s pictures of cats. In sinks. WHY

Twisted firestarter

2009-05-05T22:36:00.000+01:00

What started off as an innocent beer festival turned in to a horrific cider disaster.

Seriously Stags, what were you thinking? As Luke pointed out, how come there's cider at the beer festival but no beer at the cider festival? Anyway we made the best out of a bad situation, our route was like this:

Stags Head,
Gordon's,
The Guide Dog,
The Shooting Star,
The Hobbit,
Varsity,
The Hobbit (again)

Yeah we played the standard games and threw around a bit of banter, but something a little out of the ordinary happened. When we sat down (the second time) in the Hobbit, we found someone had left a lighter on the table. Gay then produced 2 more from his own pocket, leaving himself, me and Luke with one each. We then continued our game of 21s, with a twist; if you screw up, you get your hair set on fire.

Bad times.

R.I.P Mr. Flour Bag

2009-05-05T18:43:00.001+01:00

I've found that since I've been back in Brendaville, I've been following football much more. Since my dad's a geordie, and as such, instilled the support of Newcastle into my brain from a young age, I've been following their progession towards the end of the season. As it stands, we're in the relegation zone, 3 points behind Hull, though we have a better goal difference. Because of this, we have to win one more game than they do for us to stay up. We've got Middle's-brah and Fulham at home, and Villa away.

SO.

In the true nature of Brendering a state of Brenda Brenda Brenda, LETS MAKE A BET. If Newcastle go down, I will pay for a round of fishbowl challenge when I'm next in Southampton. If they stay up, then, well we can think of something.

- Brendah-ah-ah

Summer of love

2009-05-02T12:09:00.000+01:00

Ok I'm clearly getting lazy with the blogging. The following happened last Saturday...

Some clown decided it would be a good idea to check out the new Saturday night at the Cube... 'Boogaloo'. We spent quite a while discussing what a ridiculous name it was, and after wondering what it meant, I urban dictionaried it:

"It's by default a slang word mainly used among French-Canadian living in the province of Quebec to define all sloppy, dirty, oily, smelly and poor black Afro Canadian. Boogaloo usually drives very dirty, rusty and shitty color foreign cars such as rown or beige old Nissan or purple Toyota's. What we do call "A piece of shit car". They will not care when changing lanes or don't care if they hit you"

Hmmmmmmm.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that we rocked Booga-fucking-loo. Our shapes and athletic dance style defined the brand new night at the Cube. Shame we scared off everyone else from the dance floor.

So on the way home somehow Luke found inspiration to practice a bit of parkour, so in our sober state we did the adult thing and joined in. I think we parkour'd our way right from Highfield back to Waitrose, so how we all survived with nothing but a few scratches I'll never know.

We made it home, eventually. I think I actually started what happened next by stabbing a knife Gay had failed to wash up through a 1kg bag of Brenda's flour. Gay then decided it would be a good idea to slice the bag open and flick a bit of flour at Lukas. Predictably, each retaliation was far more severe than what had preceded it, until Gay threw the whole bag at my face before what was left was emptied over his head. Since then the kitchen has sort of recovered, though I'm not sure our garden will ever be the same again.

Ps. I got my internship by the way. Bring on a summer of love!

Options?

2009-04-30T18:46:00.000+01:00

Name: Luge

Karter of Choice: Luigi

Item of Choice: Banananana

Likes: Bowser's Castle, Banshee Boardwalk, Royal Raceway

Dislikes: Wario Stadium, Choco Fucking Mountain, Yoshi Valley

Wins Required for a Round: 4

DATA!

2009-04-25T14:47:00.000+01:00

Name: Captain Spack/Gay

Karter of Choice: Mario

Item of Choice: Lightning

Likes: Wario Stadium, Kalamari Desert, DK’s Jungle Parkway

Dislikes: Toads Turnpike (especially on extra), Sherbert Land, Banshee Boardwalk

Wins Required for a Round: 2

I’m gonna win the championship soon...

Select Map!

2009-04-25T14:39:00.000+01:00

Name: Oli

Karter of Choice: Yoshi

Item of Choice: Green Shell

Likes: Koopa Troopa Beach, Mario Raceway, Bowser's Castle

Dislikes: Moo Moo Farm, Toad's Turnpike, Banshee Boardwalk

Wins Required for a Round: 5

Ps. George did a naked lap today at midday. Bad times

Select Your Player!

2009-04-23T15:51:00.000+01:00

This is my Mario Kart player stats. It's incredibly nerdy and sad, but at the same time, related to Mario Kart, and therefore epic win. I encourage the other three to do the same.

Name: BRENDAAAA

Karter of Choice: DK

Item of Choice: Ghosts

Likes: Bowser's Castle, Banshee Boardwalk, Sherbet Land

Dislikes: Kalimari Desert, DK Jungle Parkway, Luigi Raceway

Wins Required for a Round: 5

And for a quick rant, you know what really grinds my gears? People in supermarkets that block the isle while you're trying to get past. Even more so, old people that block the isle while you're trying to get past. They'll leave their trolley in the middle of the isle, fucking horizontally so it's impossible to do anything, while they stand looking at the shelves trying to decide between something fucking stupid like medium slice or thick slice bread. Then when they realise that they're in the way, they take a year and a half to get back to the trolley, before forgetting that they've forgotten to decide on what kind of bread to get, go back and get said bread, and then finally move.

Fuckers.

BRENDAAA

It's about time you blogged, Fox!

2009-04-22T15:32:00.000+01:00

Right I've been meaning to blog about Katie's party for a while.

So we travelled all the way to rainy Bexhill in two cars. I had the fortune of avoiding George, who had already consumed vast amounts of booze was already slurring. We all got dressed and headed for The Bell Hotel before the fun began. Homo decided he was too ill and drunk to eat any party food, while Lucas hit the dance floor.

Besides the epic failure of the chocolate fountain, it was a damn good night. George ended up regretting his decision to ignore the food and found himself vomming champagne into the toilet. I remember hearing about George and Jamie going into a room to get changed, however later Jamie emerged changed and George came out exactly as he was earlier. Apparently he spent the time feeling up a semi-naked Jamie.

The morning after was pretty fun. Everyone woke up hungover, Lucas and Gay definitely taking the brunt of it. We ended up having a 3 course Italian for breakfast/lunch/dinner and moving on the beach. Luke managed to end up in the sea, and George cut the back of his ankle. We all felt a little Skins-esque as we walked back to the cars with our ice creams.

Oh and not to forget the latest Kart bet which happened a few days later. Luke (somehow) ended up with less 1sts than George and earned himself a topless drink with Phillipa at the Gordon's. Fair play to him though, he even told the barmaid Phillipa was in front of him in the queue. The barmaid was not amused.

Blue Spiney Shell of Death

2009-04-20T17:21:00.000+01:00

Now before I state the following, yes, I'm well aware that Mario Kart Wii doesn't even scratch the surface of what was the awesome that is Mario Kart 64. Arguably the updates have done nothing to improve game play, but have in fact hindered what originally made the series so special (I mean, lets face it, one of the best things about Mario Kart 64 is the 'Yoshi's Scream of Rape' bug).

There's a number of obvious series changes, considering that as time progresses, so does the adaptation of Mario Kart controls relevant to the platform it's being played on. The Wii allows motion steering, freeing up the buttons for control of other functions, although admittedly, the buttons themselves are placed so awkwardly, and the steering so sketchy, that you'd be better off plugging in a Game Cube controller into the top ports.

The Wii also allows you to select between Automatic and Manual control of steering. This basically means that if you select Automatic, your steering will be tighter and more controlled, and Manual mandates that you use the B button (comparable to the position of a Z button on an N64 controller) to make hops and skid, creating power-slides and allowing for boosts if pulled off correctly. All you really need to know about this system is that it's fucking shit. The whole point of power steering in Mario Kart 64 was that it gave a distinct advantage for people able to do it properly, but it was always available. If you're in Automatic mode, you can't hop. This creates a totally different feel of game play; more restricted and linear, which is pretty balls.

The items have been completely raped too. Shell triplets no longer give you a protective barrier from incoming items, items have to be dropped behind you before an incoming red shell hits to save you, even if it's hanging out behind you (yeah, it does nothing). I think the worst addition to the items, however, is the bullet. FUCK the bullet. It gives new meaning to the term 'Mario Kart Syndrome*'. The bullet's an item that, once used, turns you into a giant bullet (similar to the ones seen in the Mario series as enemies) and speeds you up, shooting you to the front of a race. Handy eh? Especially if you're completely shit at the game, and hang at the back until the last half of the last lap, using it to boost yourself into 4th or higher (very often 1st if the pack is tight). At least in Mario Kart 64, last minute rape had some banter, but this was it just makes it feel cheap and really fucking frustrating.

Blue shells. Okay, so in 64, blue shells were still pretty annoying, but at least they threatened everybody ahead of you, shooting along the ground to find their target. In Wii, the shell has wings. Yeah, wings, I know. Stupid. Everybody knows blue shells zoom along the ground to find their targets. Also, the Wii blue shells explode on impact. WHY WOULD THEY DO THIS. They're shells, they don't have explosives attached to them! What's more is, they very often struggle to determine just who is in 1st place, and often change their minds and go for 2nd instead. The cunts.

Oh yeah, Happy 4/20 everybody!

- Brenda Brenda Brenda

*Mario Kart Syndrome refers to the cheating computer system, in which computer characters inexplicably speed up to catch you if you're too far ahead. This is credited to the fact that programmers were shit back then, and couldn't program the NPC characters to react to a persons level of game play. I think they made up for it with the amount of rape attributed to Yoshi Valley, though.

You're not coming in my cab if you've been drinking....

2009-04-11T15:14:00.000+01:00

So a quick blog today - I’m in Egypt (Dahab to be more precise) windsurfing, sunning my sexy body and generally chilling out, but sadly I have to keep up with the dissertation, hence I find myself infront of my laptop for an hour a day. Ah well, small price to pay.

Anywho, the place is amazing, desert mountains, blue water, Saudi Arabia lit up like an oil painting over the gulf. But I thought I’d share with you a story from last night. Having been into a local town for dinner, I’d had a beer and picked up a crate from one of the many shops around the place. Egypt is very liberal about alcohol - they brew their own beer and make wine and spirits there too (but trust me, the wine could unblock a drain, its worse than Jesters wine). As I was getting into a cab the driver spotted my crate and swiftly ejected me, claiming he couldn’t take me because I was a drinker. Now that is fair enough, I have every respect for other people’s religious beliefs, but what was interesting was that this guy was in shorts and a T shirt, and his mates, in full arabic dress, started a whirlwind of bidding around me to lure me into their cab.

Plus, all the times I’ve passed out/fallen out of/nearly vommed in cabs and THIS is the time I get refused entry because I’ve had a beer? Ironic to say the least.

Heres a holiday postcard for y’all, tried to get more desert in there but no joy.

Oh and I discovered that acting homosexual could land you in prison; the act of being gay is not a crime, but homosexual acts themselves are. If we went on a lads trip here, we wouldn’t make it through passport control.

I'm not homophobic...

2009-04-05T22:08:00.000+01:00

One night, 4 rounds of kart and a lot of booze. It could only ever end in Jesters.

I returned to Shakespeare Road for one night over the Easter holiday, and it was £26 train fare well spent. The kart started early with breaks only for booze purchase and dinner. Kart wasn't even interrupted for drinking games. We managed to breathe a whole new life in to 21s, while karting. Damn good.

As per usual, Gay claimed that hundreds were going to be in Jesters that night, so we made our way down there at about half 10, and were the 4th, 5th and 6th people in. Oh well. We picked up 21s where we left off and my god it was good. SQUIRE! One notable quote from the evening was when I overheard a conversation in the toilet. Some bloke said:
"I'm not homophobic, but I just don't want to wake up with someone's dick in my mouth". Fair play.

Good game.

I Can Has Goggle Tan?

2009-04-05T14:23:00.001+01:00

Went snowboarding for the week just gone. I got back last night, and, crikey, my legs are stiff. I think I've probably done about 35+ hours of boarding over the whole week. Still, it was so worth it; I was filmed while out there doing some jumps, and had pictures taken for the resort website on my last day. I've got a hefty goggle tan too, as the title implies.

Anyway, Brenda's BACK... and on the dole! Not something that I'm proud of, but it's just until I can get a permanent work placement. Fifty quid a week isn't too bad for going to a couple of interviews now and then eh?

Also, check this out:

http://www.eddieizzard.com/you/fan-gallery/item/view.php?Id=416

Eddie Izzard Monopoly, or 'Izzardopoly'. Fucking awesome. If you go back to his home page, you can view the street cards and get a general idea of what they are. You probably won't get any of the references if you haven't watched the material, however, so I urge you to go on YouTube and watch 'Dress To Kill' and 'Glorious' by him. Epic win.

I'm going to try and make a trip down to Southampton soon, as it's been a good while since Gay has done any laps. He's not allowed to bank them though, they've gotta be done while I'm down there. Who knows, maybe I'll earn one myself.

...

Unlikely.

A quick round of names...

2009-04-01T19:06:00.001+01:00

A few people have been wondering who we're referring to in our posts. Just to clear that up:
Gay = George,
Brenda = Tom,
Luge = Luke,

So how come I don't have a name? Probably better this way...

Just a quick one - We want your comments!

2009-03-31T18:41:00.001+01:00

Only a short post today; first of all I was in the Hobbit last night, and there was a poster for an upcoming gig. Supporting acts included BRENDA. Yes, a band called Brenda. You can listen to their myspace here: http://www.myspace.com/brendaband

Secondly, where are our hits coming from? Our IP’s are blocked, yet we still racked up 35 or so hits in the last week. Who are you? Leave a comment at the end of this post :)

Dark times

2009-03-25T23:26:00.000Z

Today was a sad day. This morning marked the day that my hair could no longer stand straight up, so I did something I should have done a long time ago. I had a haircut. Mental.

Gay you had better be careful. You seem to be whoring up the blog with random posts about how you can't handle your booze. Maybe you should learn your limits or eat a big meal before going out. Oh, and watch this space if you really think I'm going to follow this up with something relevant...

Anyway, crap aside, now on to the important stuff. Sara brought something to my attention that I thought might be of interest to you guys:
www.holymotherofchristitsanunhavingsex.com
That's some very fine artwork. Definitely think there should be a national hunt for that house on Google maps.

It's Vomit John, but not as we know it

2009-03-25T17:25:00.000Z

Last night was grim.

I went out for a couple of drinks with Chrissie (£1 a double, nice stuff) and on the walk home started to feel a little... green. It wasn’t the booze, I hadn’t had that much, but I knew I was in trouble. I dropped Chrissie off at her front door and precisely 7.2 seconds later was bent over double as my mouth became a fire hose, pebble-dashing the wall over the road from her house.

A brisk walk home punctuated with 6 stops of 3 voms each, getting progressively smaller, and I was in bed. Feeling fine. Quite good actually. Went and had a sandwich, watched the new South Park and went to bed. Strange. Not once did I really feel that sick, or did my head cloud over.

Turns out it WASN’T my cooking as many have cruelly suggested, but a very bizarre bug that wiped through me in an hour. Chrissie has it now, and I certainly haven’t cooked for her in...like...ever. So unless it was her pasta Bolognese from Monday night, which I doubt, its just a weird bug. Like Tom in second year, it turned up in the middle of the night, nommed the contents of my stomach, flew back out the front door with a bang into the night and was gone with no trace. Weird.

I could have talked about teaching in school today, or my driving lesson, but no, vomit was the preferred topic. I hope we all learned something here today.

For priorities, we ride

2009-03-25T00:41:00.001Z

I love that within the tag bubble, Jesters takes top priority, while work is placed firmly at the bottom. Standard.

Gay showed me Twitter today. I personally don't see what the huge fascination is; it seems like a fancy version of Facebook status'. I guess if enough people are using it then there has to be some kind of appeal though, maybe it's that you can take a look into the lives of celebrities that keep theirs up-to-date with mundane things like 'today I had cake. what did you have today?'

Yes, I'm blogging, I'm aware of the hypocrisy. Fuck off.

Anyway, I've been wondering what the next Internet phenomenon in terms of social networking is going to be. First there was Myspace, the failure of Bebo and other mimics, then Facebook came along where you could spend even more time typing up amazing things such as 'John Cross is online!' (I shit you not, this status update actually came up in my feed today). It's scary to see that a number of people update their status up to 10 times a day. I have a message for these people.

Go outside.

...actually, don't do that if you're in the UK, it's almost 1am. Don't want you getting mugged.

Go outside when it's light out.

Luke, I was hoping you'd title your blog post as 'Now Luke 'ere'. It would've been amazing.

What to do next?

2009-03-24T17:40:00.000Z

A semi serious blog now, as I find myself caught in life’s great crossroads. We have the issue of who to live with for the next 3 months (as a replacement for Brenda, although no one could ever truly replace Brenda), and some choices are more desirable than others. But I also have the heart-stopping decision of what to do with this thing called MY LIFE. And its damn scary. Particularly when the worlds finances are worse than my own.

So far I’ve come up with this short list of what to do:

1) Work in a shitty dead end job for at least a year to pay the rent

2) Sell my body (for sex and organ transplants) and then sell subsequent story to The Sun before appearing on Big Brother and then sliding into obscurity.

3) Start up my own video editing company with a friend

4) Move to Australia for a couple years

All of these are things I’m considering seriously (except number 2, I would NEVER go on Big Brother) but I just don’t know... We will have to see.

Watch this space folks.

Slandering the good name of "uke"

2009-03-24T17:39:00.001Z

Now look ere!!
I would just like to point out that my lack of blogs of not for want of trying, but is infact a serious medical condition.
I'm not one of these people who can just splurge out a blog at the drop of a hat. I can't write very fast at the best of times and my typing is even slower (This in itself means that it would be faster for an a blind, arthritic gorrila to rewrite shakespear useing only its knob) but then ontop of that my spelling is appalling and so I have to look up almost every word I write that's longer than three letters (except for the word "banana" which although is longer than three letters repeats itself a lot and is therefore a spetial case).
So I would just like Brenda and Git face (oli) to take this blog, and post it up their arses.

Step 1, put some text in the box

2009-03-23T00:47:00.000Z

Step 2, hit 'PUBLISH POST'
Step 3, enjoy banter.

This is a very simple process. Unfortunately, Luke and Gay seem to be a bit lacking in steps 1 through to 3. We are not impressed, as can be seen in the following transcript:

Tom says (00:45):
I'm not impressed by the lack of Luke and George blogging going on
Olé says (00:45):
I know they're shit

Clearly there is an underlying problem as to why these two cannot bring themselves to face the all mighty blog. I, for one, blame it on an innate fear of Brendering while they try to blog, something that all writers have to deal with from time to time (more commonly known as Brenda-Block in the literature world).

Look you two, this is something you're just going to have to get over. Suck it up and slap her in the face if she's a problem*

The one thing I'm going to miss the most about living in 23 Shakespeare Road is the Kart, but don't let the cat know I said that.

*I really wouldn't advise this, she'll properly mess you up. She's MENTAL.

End of term gestures

2009-03-23T00:18:00.000Z

Another term comes to an end, and what better way to celebrate than, yep, you guessed... Jesters. I swear we live in that place. I would like to highlight a particular event from that night relating to Luke's reading ability. Seriously. When you receive a text from George saying 'I'm dying', yes you should panic. However, texts such as 'I'm djing' should be ignored as standard. Ironically enough though, George did end up dying. Apparently vomming once getting home, vomming when he woke up, vomming during football and finally vomming after football breaks his own record for most vomiting in a 24 hour period. Oh my god just imagine if George did make a 24 hours TV series...

Also I would like to have a moan about videos on nights out. I mean, pictures are easily enough to cause reasonable embarrassment the following morning. We have so, so much proof. If one more video appears on Facebook of me smiling or winking in to the camera, I'm going to drop that camera in my pint one last time. Rant over.

Brendering from beyong the grave

2009-03-18T23:35:00.001Z

I have nothing to comment on regarding the aforementioned Mario kart session, I believe Oli covered it quite well (although I should point out that Luke won Royal Raceway first, then Gay won Choco Mountain and Kalimari Rape afterwards). I still can't believe Luke agreed to that, I'll put it down to him being slightly drunk.

So, yeah, I'm back in Brendaville (or Didcot, as most of the populous call it. Don't know WHAT they're fucking playing at) and I've been at the pub this evening, and it's given me a chance to reflect on anything. Do any of us REALLY drop out, when it comes to it? Can we ever drop out of the 'degree' that is 'life'?

In theory, if you commit suicide, then, yes.

But I'll still be brendering around for years to come; keep your eyes peeled, and your brenda detectors on maximum output.

- Brenda

Brenda down! Brenda down!

2009-03-18T10:28:00.000Z

What a day...

It all started with an innocent BBQ. Gay, Luke and myself took a relaxing walk in the sun to B&Q to purchase a BBQ grill, little did we know what was soon to follow. A round of kart later, Gay owed 8 naked laps of our block and had agreed to do them instantly should he fail to get a win in that round. We took the BBQ out the front to light it while Gay did his laps. However, he finished them all in an impressive time so we all relocated to the back garden. We all enjoyed a meat feast in the sun with a few beers and all was good.

That's where the fun ended.

Since it was Brenda's last night in Shakespeare Avenue for a long time, someone came up with the idea of a round of kart featuring an obscene bet. It was decided that the player who was furthest away from their target would have to do a lap wearing only a pair of Katie's knickers. The series started with Luge and Brenda dominating the first cup, and soon after Gay took one himself on the Flower cup. Things were not looking good for me, with taunts from Luge and Gay being hurled around. However, a startling comeback later, we all went into the last cup neck and neck; each of us one win away from our targets. To my relief, I took Parkway making me the first of us to reach safety. Brenda quickly followed with a well taken Yoshi Valley with the aid of 3 mushrooms. This left Luge and Gay to fight for wins on Banshee and Rainbow Road. However, it was not to be. I managed to take both races, putting Gay and Luge into a head to head.

Dice were rolled to decide the track. 2-3 appeared indicating Choco Mountain as the deciding race. Even I was shaking was they spacked their way round this beast of a track, Gay taking a bad spin and being left in Luge's dust. Luge pulled a killer of a final lap giving Gay no chance to catch up, and crossed the line first. After a bit of sobbing from Gay, Luge agreed to do best of 3, if Gay would take two laps should he lose, and Luge taking one if he lost. The dice were rolled again, showing 3-3. Royal Raceway was chosen and the race began. The first two laps saw one lightning each, putting them almost level as the final lap approached. Luge managed to get the edge and beat Gay to the big jump leaving just a few corners left. However, Gay was not beaten yet. He managed to luck out on the second-to-last items and stealing first place right before the line. It was all down to the final race.

The dice were rolled a final time...

1 - Mushroom cup (Gay cheered)

4 - Calamari Desert (Gay screamed with joy)

Calamari is Gay's home track, featuring long open paths giving boosts and red shells massive power. I'm not quite sure what followed, but it wasn't pretty. It was one of the most intense races I've ever seen, each player with literally their balls on the line. Through some crazy turn of events, Gay beat Luge to the finish line, as Luge broke down into tears on Brenda's shoulder.

What I didn't mention is that halfway through the series, Katie produced a little white thong for the loser to wear on their shameful lap. Luge took the underwear and slammed the door of his room behind him. A minute later he cried "open the front door!". Gay obliged, shortly before a very-nearly-naked Luke sprinted from his room out the front door. He managed his lap in an impressive time. It must have been the aerodynamics of his clothing (or lack of). He was greeted on the final straight of his lap by about 15 students down our road taking photos before their night out. Our clapping quickly attracted their attention and soon their cameras were pointed at Luke's naked figure speeding down our road. It was over in a flash, again... literally. Only God knows whether the photos will make it onto Facebook.

That brought one of the scariest evenings of my life to an end. What a way to send Brenda off. Hope you enjoyed it.

Hollywood's next big thing

2009-03-15T20:10:00.001Z

I've penned some film ideas in an effort to break into the movie industry. Tell me what you think.

INDEBRENDANCE DAY - In an effort to seize political control over North America, insurgents launch a huge space ship over Washington D.C, targeting major buildings and sites. With no way to fight back against the tyrants, the United States government calls for the help of Brenda. B. Brenda to stop them. She succeeds.

BRENDA WARS (A NEW BRENDA/THE BRENDA STRIKES BACK/ RETURN OF THE BRENDA) - A trilogy of films set in Wolverhampton, followings the lives of Brenda and her peers as they battle for ownership of the local bingo hall. Leaves open possibilities for shit prequels.

LOCK-STOCKINGS AND TWO SMOKING BRENDA'S - An educational film, depicting Brenda as an avid smoker that eventually needs heart surgery. Open-ended conclusion as to whether she survives (which, of course, she does; you cannot kill Brenda).

28 BRENDA'S LATER - Brenda, stranded in a barren wasteland, must fight for her life against 27 clones of herself. The film culminates in the two final surviving clones and the original Brenda working together to get home, and opening a bakery. The bakery fails and they all have to get jobs in call centres to tie themselves over.

A storm is coming

2009-03-12T15:28:00.001Z

I'm a fan of walking home from a short-lived night out, but in better judgement with regards to the weather, I opt for public transport.

I wave down the bus, the rain now coming down thick and fast. Stepping on board, I grab the money from my pocket to pay the driver, turning my head to stare down the row of seats. There, staring back at me, is every girlfriend I've ever had, wearing faces of scorn and disappointment. The icy stare of two dozen jilted women shrink my testicles to the size of baby peas.

They erupt in a cacophony of vile insults, my insecurities and sexual shortcomings outlined in vicious manner, dinned out only by the metallic sound of hundreds of coins being hurled at my face, causing me to fall down the steps and into the street. The bus driver, now evident to be the Spanish man I had a one-night-fling with on my drunken visit to the French Alps, slowly shakes his head in a morbid fashion, closing the doors on me and vanishing into the night.

I pick myself up, stunned and bewildered, the coins littering the floor around me. A homeless man watches the scuffle from the other side of the street and approaches me, asking if I need a hand. I politely refuse, looking about at the floor, then asking him if he would like to take the coins to get himself some food. He recoils in horror, a look of pure terror on his face. 'What's wrong?', I ask him. He fixes his tired, grey eyes on mine.

'I'm afraid of change.'

One big Jesters

2009-03-12T12:26:00.001Z

Ok it's been a while, and a fair bit has happened. I can't count how many times we've been to Jesters over the past 2 weeks, but it's definately too many. Campaign week all blurs in to one big night at Jesters, involving a lot of shouting, booze and a very nearly a good old fight.

Recently we've had one of Brenda's mates to stay called Brent. He's inspired nights out to Jesters, Sobar and now Oceana, all of which seem to have been fairly heavy. The morning after the Sobar night, I texted Luke asking if he would like to go on a run. Here is his reply:
'I may possibly be running maybers hey people tell me i very drunk last night so i'm thinkings of hangover may be on horizon. Vets find out!!!'
That's possibly the most special text I've ever received. God bless you Luke. You are so much of a mess.
As far as I know, Oceana was the only night out of the 3 that did not involve any vommitting. I'm putting that down to the fact that Luke didn't go.

Please leave a message after the tone

2009-03-11T12:48:00.000Z

Yes, all you bloggers out there, we have been away for quite a while. The main reason is my fault - I have been running for election to get an awesome job running the media department at my Students Union when I left. Sadly, the fates/electorate didn’t think I was as amazingly talented as my mum does, and I didn’t get the job. Ah well.

But we are back in blog land, and theres a lot I wish I could tell ya. Campaign week was epic; amazing banter, out every night, very little sleep, etc etc but its just so hard to sum it up into words. Zeshan had his birthday on Saturday, which was entertaining, mostly for us replacing his ID picture again. A few weeks ago I replaced the picture on his hospital ID with one of Barack Obama, and he got caught trying to use it to get past hospital security. On the way to the kids ward. Where he works. He got in a lot of shit for that, so I decided it would be funny to do it again, as a kind of birthday present, using a picture of Luke we found in his wallet (Luke’s wallet, not Zee’s, that would just be weird). Unfortunately, he didn’t get sacked; he found the photo before work and rang us up to complain. Bollocks.

So my plan to get Zeshan fired continues. Any suggestions? Answers on a post card please.

It's called having your cake... and eating it too

2009-03-03T23:53:00.000Z

So, hey, I was sent a link to an interesting website today. The website is called Cake Wrecks, is a blog, and can be found here:http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/

Now when I say some of these are not safe for work, I don't mean it's totally outrageous. We are, after all, talking about cakes here; the confectionery, not some other weird meaning ascribed to the word 'cakes' by kids in the playground. You may not know what I'm talking about, and that would be for the best, because 'Cake porn' is.. well.

So, yeah, this website. You could call it Cake Fails as well and it'd be an adequate description of what's going on here. Honestly, I could explain it, but wouldn't you rather see for yourself?

Here's a favourite:

Now, what's wrong with this picture? The fact that it depicts what could, possibly, be considered as representation of childbirth, or maybe that the baby is coming out of her fucking stomach. Alien-baby cake.. fantastic.

Go through the website at your own leisure. Some of them are just funny, others are just messed up.

Just found this one actually; epic win:

- T

4 blokes 2 jugs

2009-02-23T08:35:00.001Z

Ok. You know those kind of days when you're so hungover you have trouble forming sentences? Well yesterday was one of the best. I'm not sure that anyone actually emerged before 1pm, and even then the word awake is an overstatement.

Basically, the order of the evening was like this. It started about 6 with some kart and predrinking. Gay narrowly avoided increasing his lap count to 5, before some of us headed to Varsity. The predrinking continued until about 8.30(?) when we made our way towards Sobar. I remember when we arrived looking very angrily at the bouncers when they told us it would be a fiver each for Sara's friends. Anyway, we proceeded to Jesters and things really started to liven up.

First of all, I'll just write my astonishment that Luke did not get in to a fight. The amount of lare he showed at each push was immense. Secondly I'd like to thank Luke for the extreme urinal humping. How I managed to miss the guy's leg next to me I will never know. Anyway apart from that the night is a little hazy. However, you know it's a messy one when 2 pitchers turn up when you're already wankered, Sara gets the hiccups and you just really don't remember leaving.

I can has Hangover?

2009-02-22T11:48:00.000Z

It's something that I've come to expect from Jesters; getting totally wasted and forgetting parts of the night, waking up the following morning with the mother of all hangovers. Well this hangover is like the gran of hangovers that has alzheimer's, and could still kick your ass if you went too close to her handbag. I vaguely remember getting in to bed and spending half an hour debating whether I should get up to throw up in the toilet, or risk it happening in my bed. The latter eventually won out as I lost consciousness, though luckily, I didn't wake up in a puddle of my own vom. Happy days.

Still, I'd probably feel better if I had thrown up, because it would have got the stuff out of my system. Last night we got to Jesters after deciding that paying 5 quid to get into sobar would have been a dick move, at about... uh... ten? You know I'm really not sure, might have been half nine. We did the standard buy your two snakebites (or jesticles if you're in an ambitious mood like Luke and George were) and find a table to sit at. After a while we got through these, and in the process of getting my next drink, saw some guys at the bar giving away free jugs of snakebite. When I say giving away free jugs, I mean they were gifting pints to people, and we swiped two jugs when they weren't watching. Standard.

Unfortunately, I can't recall much else from the night; I left earlier than most so maybe they can fill in the blanks.

Time to go and make a fry up.

Oh yeah, some guy started on me in the toilets because George was claiming it was a 6-man urinal (which, as funny as it is, it most obviously isn't). I pointed this out, and the guy starts on me for claiming it's a 6-man too, while I most obviously didn't. I proceeded to call him a stupid c*nt and told him to be on his merry way.

- T

But when will we have our Cheese and Wine!?

2009-02-16T08:03:00.000Z

As previously mentioned, Friday was fun, though I wasn't particularly drunk in comparison to most others there. I didn't come up with a costume, partly because I'm lazy, and also.... because... well I'm just lazy I guess. Watching Zeshan fall about the place was entertainment enough for me, at any rate.

Today is Monday which means tonight is Jesters, quite possibly maybe. Me, Luke and Gay spent the better half of yesterday getting boozed up in the pub, so I'll have to see how up for it they are, but still, I haven't had a good night in Jesters in a while so I think one's in order. As long as I can hold on to both of my shoes, I'll be happy. Last year at some point I had to drink my beverage from my shoe as punishment of spilling some of my pint. I did the deed, put my shoe down on the table, and turned around to talk to somebody for a second. When I turned back, my shoe had gone! Turns out it had been stolen to become a vessel for another drinking circle, after which it was seemingly passed around the entirety of Jesters, serving as the 'vessel shoe'. I found at the end of the night (about 3 hours later) upstairs at the entrance, completely ruined. Of course, I kept it, and still have it sitting on a shelf behind me now (with the matching shoe which is far less damaged).

Maybe I should throw them out... or wear them out tonight!

- T

Man! I feel like a woman.

2009-02-15T11:13:00.000Z

Valentines day, and when I woke up there was a man in my bed. Luckily for me I was by myself on the sofa in a colourfull little skirt and with a rather large hole in my fishnets.
No matter what the theme of a party I can always find an excuse to dress as a woman. It's not gay as long as you only do it once a year..... right?
The afore mentioned vomit king then entered the room and started playing scrabble on a laptop, so I lay there for a bit telling him how much I hate him.
"You can be very patronizing to me when I'm drunk Luke"
Really!! No shit!!! What, you mean even when I'm having to clean up your vomit..... Weird.
I'm allowd to be grumpy because it is Valenties day and I have just spent the night in a pair of tights which don't leave an awful lot of crotch space.
The night before had been good though, except that I kept getting eyed up by blokes and people kept squeezing my breasts, that is until they spotted my armpit hair.
It's not easy being female but, I think it was Gandhi that once said:
"The best thing about being a woman
Is the perogative to have a little fun (fun, fun)"

What the hell

2009-02-14T13:42:00.000Z

So I dressed as Christmas, (which is damn good by the way) but my spirit was fully destroyed when I returned home this morning. As Oli pointed out, Z was a mess and vommed in the house. Or, more specifically, in my room. On my floor. And my bed. And my clothes.

Next time I see him he’s a dead man. And poor effort on the costume Tom, although you did kind of come as a cun...

You C********

2009-02-14T12:51:00.001Z

A crossdresser, a cat, christmas(?) and a conundrum entered the room, and the party began.

I think that's worthy of an explanation. Basically it was a fancy dress house party where everyone had to dress as something beginning with c. And my god we were good. However, I can't help but feel our reputation took a hit somewhat when the Z arrived dressed as a Chinese man, and so drunk he could barely stand. In his defence, he does have trouble standing anyway.

Either way, it didn't end well for him. After being put to bed he arrived back in the living room with a sheepish look on his face. "I'm so sorry, I may have thrown up a little"

Z aside, it was a good party. Everyone seemed pretty mashed, though I was a little disappointed at the lack of competition in the costume department from a few people. BRENDA DOESN'T BEGIN WITH C

Back to basics

2009-02-13T09:26:00.001Z

Ah it was nice to have some time away. However, all good things come to an end.

Last night was a Jesters night. And my god was it standard. Gay was an absolute mess and ended up vomming, Luke exercised his skills in doubling the people using the urinal at the same time. The dance floor was rammed and really quite aggressive, though no fights broke out. Mainly because everyone is just too drunk to fight.

Anyway, got to go. Some of us have lectures.

My friend Cham-PAIN

2009-02-08T09:56:00.001Z

'Twas the day of Gay's birthday when all through the house, not a creature was stirring except the bitch outside. She started by screaming, and now it's turned into more of a Michael Jackson laugh. Fun.
Ok. Last night was epic. There's no other word to describe it. We got boozed up, then had dinner, then got boozed up some more. Then the night began. Although it's now a tiny tiny bit of a blur, I'll just list a few things that spring to mind:
Limo
Cham-PAIN
Pole dancing

Anyway, Thomas has this friend, and they go way back. Apparently they've known eachother for years, I think originally they met in primary school, although for the purpose of this story, it really doesn't matter. Either way, he resurfaced last night, but the important part is that he goes by the name of pain!

So back to the real world, it's now 10am in The Captain's house in Oxford and everyone is asleep. I would be too if it wasn't for the whore outside...

Bren....da?

2009-02-07T12:46:00.000Z

SHE CALLED!

SHE FUCKING CALLED AGAIN!!

OK I should probably explain.

Through October and November, I kept getting voice mails left on my mobile that were most certainly not meant for me. That is, unless my name has been changed to Brenda and I'm actually an elderly woman (which is entirely possible, of course). An old lady has been phoning me up, thinking I'm somebody called Brenda (deary) and leaving me messages about it being too long and needing to meet up. To top it all of, she's from Newcastle (with the same area code as my nan which is a little unsettling). Oddly enough, I don't get any missed calls from her; it just goes straight to a voicemail message.

Anyway, she stopped called around early December, which was heartbreaking for everybody. However, I just got a voicemail from her again! Basically it was asking how my Christmas went, and general enquiring of when we could meet up. Unfortunately, I'll have to decline her that offer.

I'm toying with the idea of sending her a voicemail and seeing what the reaction is. I'll keep you posted on whether I come up with any decent banter for it.

- T

But the fire is so delightful

2009-02-02T15:22:00.000Z

As if predicted by our love of Die Hard, snow has descended upon Southampton. And every single student has become about 7 again.

Just had some good banter with a massive snowball fight around the streets involving about 4 houses, and a random 9 year old. Who would turn traitor at any moment. It felt harsh to throw back at him, but I got him square in the face. Mother fucker.

Oh and as for the other night, it was as epic as we thought it would be. Zeshan got trashed and threw up all over the place, which was a surprise considering he ‘doesn’t drink’. Must have been that dodgy vegetarian dinner you had right?

The best thing about snow is its AWESOME. The worst thing is it melts all to soon. Must dash, I’ve got a 9 year old to bully.

While... The weather outside is frightful

2009-02-02T08:07:00.001Z

It's snowed!

Unfortunately, as luck would have it, it's also the first day back at school after our short break. I don't finish lectures until 1pm so if it's all gone by then I am not going to be happy.

And no there's no reason why I should have grown out of it. In my mind, snow is the only reward we get for freezing cold weather.

A brief warning

2009-01-30T18:12:00.000Z

Today started with Luke humping me into waking up at 11, and we were in the Stag’s Head by 11:30. Boozing has continued since then, and looks set to continue until we collapse. Watch this space for the aftermath.

So, I didn't sleep tonight/last night

2009-01-30T07:28:00.000Z

I'm not sure why. Not that it's the first time, but I didn't intend to stay up past 3.

Anyway, this is how I spent the better half of my night. Playing Risk online, and watching videos like this

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=1rJ206ApObI

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to down several litres of red bull

- T

Die Hard

2009-01-29T23:52:00.000Z

The greatest film ever made? Probably not. But we are watching it for the second time in a week, so thats got to say something, right? An awesome film, so awesome it brings people together in a way no other film can. Even the neighbourhood cat has snuck in to our house and is chilling out watching it on Luke’s lap.

This little dude hangs around the street chatting to people, and is remarkably good at Ninja’ing his way into peoples houses without them realising. He’s made it into ours about 5 times, makes a be-line for Luke’s room and ends up on somebody’s lap for a chill. Nothing phases him, a bit like John McClain. He knows what he wants, and he uses his mad skills to get it. He smokes like a chimney too. Legend. On a die hard theme:

The title of this blog is misleading

2009-01-29T18:22:00.000Z

For clarification, it should read 3 blokes, 1 '???'

Because George, well... we just don't know.

The aforementioned cat is still chilling out on Luke's lap, and appears to be enjoy a heavy dose of John McClain goodness in the shape of Die Hard. Can't blame him really; John McClain is the very definition of nails.

I've got such a hard-on for this film, I think I'm going to go buy a kebab to celebrate it's glory when it's finished. Standard.

- T

I said I would get back to you....

2009-01-29T17:57:00.000Z

Yeah it was never going to be pretty. Infact, it was dirty, predictable disgusting and covered in vom. And that's just the Captain. Jesters on the otherhand was remarkably empty when we arrived. Well, apart from the screaming girls who went mental every time an S Club 7 song was played. Unfortunately, it's all too common in Jesters.

One of the things I noticed last night was the banter you will always find in Jester's toilets. I don't remember a single time (in all fairness, how much of Jesters do you remember) that I've taken a slash and not had a chat with the people beside me. On my way out I stopped to talk to a guy standing at the door just laughing at a couple eating each other's faces. It's not even like he was queuing for the toilet either; Luke had already seen to that. It turned out he'd drank his way past the point of simple conversation so I left him to giggle away to himself at the randoms.

I'm quite glad I bailed before the end of the night. God bless that DJ who played the kind of shit that sent me home.

About last night...

2009-01-29T17:29:00.000Z

I’m getting in here early to stake my claim to the story of last night. Inevitably, Luke will transfer his blog to this server and before he does that I want the opportunity to put a few thoughts down on to paper before he does.

So, in a nutshell, I was a mess last night. It was my last exam yesterday (I’m in my 3rd year of a Philosophy degree) and I celebrated in usual style - by drinking. A lot. So I may have done a few stupid things, the night may be a bit of a blur, but in my defense I was drunk. Really drunk.

I did a damage report this morning when I woke up (eventually - my girlfriend went to get her hair cut and was able to roll me across the bed without me waking up) so perhaps I should share it with you to help you to understand:

DAMAGE REPORT
-£20 spent
-Right eye sore
-Slight cough
-Nausea
-Headache
-Mud stained trousers and shirt (down one side)
-Painful shoulder, right
-Stiff leg, right
-Even stiffer leg, left
-Memory status: 75%

So all in all, not too bad...

This is a Five Man!!!

2009-01-29T10:46:00.002Z

A mighty bellowing voice descends from the Heavens.
"When He arrived, It was a three man. When He left, It was a FIVE MAN URINAL."
This is the story of Luke Joseph Gunner, urinal enhancing stud.

The sweet stale air wafted accross the room from the night clubs crowded sweaty dancefloor. The smell was unpleasant but at least it took the chill off the harsh night air.
Two men sit on a bench in the corner of the courtyard where a proposition is being made.
"Right, finnish these then we'll hit the dance floor."
Every now and then George summoned the strenght to lift his head up off the table only to fall sideways off his bench. Luckily the bouncers at this club are very lenient so it didn't matter when George boldly took a dive at one after stumbling on the dance floor.
The cheesey 80's power ballads filled the room, except for every so often when the DJ turned the music down thinking every one would carry on by themselves. However all that was left was the generic mumble of drunk people pretending they knew the words.
Luke and George, shape busting studs,bravely soldiered on through the night.
The evening came to an end and the pair ventured off into the night air.
Keen to get in from the bitter winds, Luke set a slightly faster pase, although it did not last long as he quickly looked back and realised that his friend was nowhere to be see.
"George!!"
In the breef moment that Luke had averted his gaze George had managed to fall sideways over a kneehigh garden wall and his tattered body was lying on the paves of some random's patio.
It omitted a week groan.
"I think I hit my face"
Next time I am bringing a straight jacket and a wheel barrow.

The day after yesterday (my last exam)

2009-01-28T15:10:00.000Z

I woke up this morning in a state of confusion. My head felt cloudy and my throat was raw. Yesterday was my last exam of the semester, so we decided to go to somewhere which sells doubles and mixers for a quid each. That explains the pain in by head, but not the aching in my legs. I vaguely remember chasing Luke around Portswood and hiding behind cars. With the help of my phone's call log, I know we arrived before 9pm and left after 1am. The whole time we spent inside has blended into one big drinking game, oh except for when we hit the dance floor. Oh dear.

Anyway enough about last night, more about me. I'm a 20 year old teenager studying computers at Southampton Uni. I spend most of my time beating my housemates at Mario Kart 64. I spend the rest of the time losing. I live with 2 girls, one of which is my girlfriend, 2 guys and one unkown. For the purposes of this blog, unless otherwise proven, we will call it a 'he'.

Something that I haven't really decided yet is what to do with the 4 and a half days between now and my first lecture of next semester. I'll get back to you on that.